MrP
02-13-2003, 07:14 AM
Washington, DC (Reuters) -- A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the
> > personal library of President George W. Bush.
> >
> > Both of his books have been lost.
> >
> > The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, as he had not
> > finished coloring the second one.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Advanced Medicine
> >
> > A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
> > we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him
> > looking for work in 6 weeks."
> >
> > A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a brain out of
> > one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in 4
> > weeks."
> >
> > The American doctor, not to be outdone, says," You guys are way
> > behind. We took a man with no brain from Texas, put him in the White
> > House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other
> > half is preparing for war."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Quote of the Day
> >
> > "There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than
> > Alzheimer's research. By 2020, there should be a large elderly
> > population with perky breasts, never-ending erections and no
> > recollection of what to do with either of them!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > A few good one-liners:
> >
> > - learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
> >
> > - defectors say 150 per cent of what they know.
> >
> > - the stock market has predicted nine of the last five recessions.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
> > God.
> >
> > Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years
> > mean to you?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "A minute."
> >
> > Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "A penny."
> >
> > Smith asks, " Can I have a penny?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "In a minute."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Three little boys, an English Protestant boy, an Irish Catholic boy,
> > and a Jewish boy, in a rather exclusive English school were talking,
> > as little boys do, about what they do on Christmas Day.
> >
> > The Irish boy, very excited, spoke first. "Father wakes me up on
> > Christmas Eve for Midnight Mass, and when we come home at about 1:00
> > am, I go to the Christmas tree and I am allowed to unwrap my toys &
> > play with them".
> >
> > The English boy, more sedate, said "Oh, we get up on Christmas Day
> > at about 9:00 am, go to church, come home for a big turkey lunch,
> > then I open my presents and play with them".
> >
> > The Jewish boy was very quiet. "Come on, tell us what you do"
> > demanded the two other boys.
> >
> > "Well", he said, "On Christmas Day we go down to my father's toy
> > factory just before lunch, and sing a hymn."
> >
> > "You sing a hymn on Christmas Day? I thought you Jewish people
> > didn't believe in Christmas" "What hymn do you sing?"
> >
> > "We look at all the empty shelves, and sing, 'What a Friend we have
> > in Jesus'".
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Census Bureau
> >
> > The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the door. In the
> > doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was from the
> > Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.
> >
> > Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother said, "Let's
> > see. There's me and my husband, and my children Tracy, Katherine,
> > Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--"
> >
> > The census taker interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested in the
> > names. The numbers will be enough."
> >
> > The little girl pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We haven't run
> > out of names yet!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
> > When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to
> > have some birth control pills."
> >
> > Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse
> > me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you
> > have for birth control pills?"
> >
> > The woman responded, "They help me sleep better".
> >
> > The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do
> > birth control pills help you to sleep?"
> >
> > The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every
> > morning and I sleep better at night."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Billboard
> >
> > Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed
> > a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
> > Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I
> > drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
> >
> > "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
> > recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
> > girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
> > bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick hey
> > would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
> > prints.
> >
> > Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
> > the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided
> > something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
> > and met them there with the maintenance man.
> >
> > She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
> > for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
> >
> > To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
> > asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
> > required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
> > toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
> >
> > Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
> > ............
> >
> > There are teachers, and then there are educators...
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required
> > to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim,
> > Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-
> > Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The
> > class went off in groups to practice.
> >
> > As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and
> > asked, "Are you all right?"
> >
> > He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for
> > breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She
> > said she can't feel her legs!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > An elderly Jewish man on the operating table awaiting surgery
> > insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As
> > he was about to receive the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
> > "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
> > "Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember that if it doesn't
> > go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
> > and live with you and your wife!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The following is not new to me, but it may be new to many of you.
> > Besides, I don't think I've shared it with you in a previous TGIF.
> >
> > Subject: Meeting Preparations
> >
> > Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about
> > those long and boring conference calls?
> >
> > Here's a way to change all of that.
> >
> > 1. Before your next meeting, seminar or conference call, prepare a
> > Bullshit Bingo card by drawing a square, 5" x 5" is a good size, and
> > dividing it into columns (five across and five down). That will give
> > you 25 1-inch blocks.
> >
> > 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in EACH block:
> >
> > - synergy
> > - strategic fit
> > - core competencies
> > - best practice
> > - bottom line
> > - re-visit
> > - regionalize
> > - 24/7
> > - out of the loop
> > - benchmark
> > - paradigm
> > - value-added
> > - proactive
> > - win-win
> > - think outside the box
> > - fast track
> > - results-driven
> > - empower (empowerment)
> > - business process
> > - partner
> > - touch base
> > - mindset
> > - client (customer/student) focused
> > - ballpark
> > - game plan
> > - leverage
> >
> > 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
> > words/phrases.
> >
> > 4. When you get five blocks in a row - horizontally, vertically or
> > diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!
> >
> > ++++++++
> >
> > Testimonials from satisfied Bullshit Bingo players:
> >
> > * I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won. -
> > Jack W., Boston
> >
> > * My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically. --
> > David D., Florida
> >
> > * What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my
> > first win. -- Bill R., New York City
> >
> > * The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
> > waited for the fifth box. -- Ben G., Denver
> >
> > * The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for
> > the third time in two hours. -- Kathleen L., Atlanta
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The Bunny and the Snake
> >
> > Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind
> > little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was
> > hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
> > forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,
> > of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
> >
> > "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
> > you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
> > In fact, I don't even know what I am."
> >
> > "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much
> > the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you
> > what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you
> > are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
> >
> > "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
> >
> > So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
> > covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose
> > twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be
> > a bunny."
> >
> > "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
> >
> > The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my
> > paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
> >
> > So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
> > scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
> > balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or
> > possibly someone in upper management."
> > personal library of President George W. Bush.
> >
> > Both of his books have been lost.
> >
> > The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, as he had not
> > finished coloring the second one.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Advanced Medicine
> >
> > A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
> > we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him
> > looking for work in 6 weeks."
> >
> > A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a brain out of
> > one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in 4
> > weeks."
> >
> > The American doctor, not to be outdone, says," You guys are way
> > behind. We took a man with no brain from Texas, put him in the White
> > House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other
> > half is preparing for war."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Quote of the Day
> >
> > "There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than
> > Alzheimer's research. By 2020, there should be a large elderly
> > population with perky breasts, never-ending erections and no
> > recollection of what to do with either of them!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > A few good one-liners:
> >
> > - learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
> >
> > - defectors say 150 per cent of what they know.
> >
> > - the stock market has predicted nine of the last five recessions.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
> > God.
> >
> > Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years
> > mean to you?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "A minute."
> >
> > Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "A penny."
> >
> > Smith asks, " Can I have a penny?"
> >
> > The Lord replies, "In a minute."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Three little boys, an English Protestant boy, an Irish Catholic boy,
> > and a Jewish boy, in a rather exclusive English school were talking,
> > as little boys do, about what they do on Christmas Day.
> >
> > The Irish boy, very excited, spoke first. "Father wakes me up on
> > Christmas Eve for Midnight Mass, and when we come home at about 1:00
> > am, I go to the Christmas tree and I am allowed to unwrap my toys &
> > play with them".
> >
> > The English boy, more sedate, said "Oh, we get up on Christmas Day
> > at about 9:00 am, go to church, come home for a big turkey lunch,
> > then I open my presents and play with them".
> >
> > The Jewish boy was very quiet. "Come on, tell us what you do"
> > demanded the two other boys.
> >
> > "Well", he said, "On Christmas Day we go down to my father's toy
> > factory just before lunch, and sing a hymn."
> >
> > "You sing a hymn on Christmas Day? I thought you Jewish people
> > didn't believe in Christmas" "What hymn do you sing?"
> >
> > "We look at all the empty shelves, and sing, 'What a Friend we have
> > in Jesus'".
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Census Bureau
> >
> > The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the door. In the
> > doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was from the
> > Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.
> >
> > Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother said, "Let's
> > see. There's me and my husband, and my children Tracy, Katherine,
> > Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--"
> >
> > The census taker interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested in the
> > names. The numbers will be enough."
> >
> > The little girl pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We haven't run
> > out of names yet!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
> > When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to
> > have some birth control pills."
> >
> > Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse
> > me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you
> > have for birth control pills?"
> >
> > The woman responded, "They help me sleep better".
> >
> > The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do
> > birth control pills help you to sleep?"
> >
> > The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every
> > morning and I sleep better at night."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Billboard
> >
> > Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed
> > a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
> > Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I
> > drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
> >
> > "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
> > recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
> > girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
> > bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick hey
> > would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
> > prints.
> >
> > Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
> > the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided
> > something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
> > and met them there with the maintenance man.
> >
> > She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
> > for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
> >
> > To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
> > asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
> > required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
> > toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
> >
> > Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
> > ............
> >
> > There are teachers, and then there are educators...
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required
> > to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim,
> > Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-
> > Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The
> > class went off in groups to practice.
> >
> > As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and
> > asked, "Are you all right?"
> >
> > He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for
> > breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She
> > said she can't feel her legs!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > An elderly Jewish man on the operating table awaiting surgery
> > insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As
> > he was about to receive the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
> > "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
> > "Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember that if it doesn't
> > go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
> > and live with you and your wife!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The following is not new to me, but it may be new to many of you.
> > Besides, I don't think I've shared it with you in a previous TGIF.
> >
> > Subject: Meeting Preparations
> >
> > Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about
> > those long and boring conference calls?
> >
> > Here's a way to change all of that.
> >
> > 1. Before your next meeting, seminar or conference call, prepare a
> > Bullshit Bingo card by drawing a square, 5" x 5" is a good size, and
> > dividing it into columns (five across and five down). That will give
> > you 25 1-inch blocks.
> >
> > 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in EACH block:
> >
> > - synergy
> > - strategic fit
> > - core competencies
> > - best practice
> > - bottom line
> > - re-visit
> > - regionalize
> > - 24/7
> > - out of the loop
> > - benchmark
> > - paradigm
> > - value-added
> > - proactive
> > - win-win
> > - think outside the box
> > - fast track
> > - results-driven
> > - empower (empowerment)
> > - business process
> > - partner
> > - touch base
> > - mindset
> > - client (customer/student) focused
> > - ballpark
> > - game plan
> > - leverage
> >
> > 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
> > words/phrases.
> >
> > 4. When you get five blocks in a row - horizontally, vertically or
> > diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!
> >
> > ++++++++
> >
> > Testimonials from satisfied Bullshit Bingo players:
> >
> > * I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won. -
> > Jack W., Boston
> >
> > * My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically. --
> > David D., Florida
> >
> > * What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my
> > first win. -- Bill R., New York City
> >
> > * The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
> > waited for the fifth box. -- Ben G., Denver
> >
> > * The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for
> > the third time in two hours. -- Kathleen L., Atlanta
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The Bunny and the Snake
> >
> > Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind
> > little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was
> > hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
> > forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,
> > of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
> >
> > "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
> > you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
> > In fact, I don't even know what I am."
> >
> > "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much
> > the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you
> > what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you
> > are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
> >
> > "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
> >
> > So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
> > covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose
> > twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be
> > a bunny."
> >
> > "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
> >
> > The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my
> > paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
> >
> > So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
> > scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
> > balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or
> > possibly someone in upper management."