Synthohol
09-21-2006, 09:47 PM
this is prolly the funniest thing i ever read over the years...
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST
>
>
>
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
>down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
>
>
>
> Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
>of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
>have a Chili Cook-off about the time of the Rodeo comes to town. It takes
>up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from
>an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
>East Coast.
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
>be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
>Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
>
> Chili #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge #2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge #3 ? (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> Chili #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge #2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>
> Judge #3 ? Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> Chili #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
>beans.
>
> Judge #2 ? A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge #3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
>of the beer.
>
>
>
> Chili #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
>
> Judge #1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge #2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge #3 ? I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. :mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2: is
>starting to look HOT? Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> Chili #5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
>
> Judge #1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge #2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge #3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
>I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
> Chili #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
>
> Judge #1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>
> Judge #2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge #3 ? I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
>anymore. I need to wipe my :mad2::mad2::mad2: with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> Chili #7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>peppers.
>
> Judge #2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
> Judge #3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
>match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> Chili #8 ( Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge #2 ? This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
>fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
>he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
>hot chili
>
>
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST
>
>
>
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
>down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
>
>
>
> Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
>of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
>have a Chili Cook-off about the time of the Rodeo comes to town. It takes
>up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from
>an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
>East Coast.
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
>be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
>Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
>
> Chili #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge #2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge #3 ? (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> Chili #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge #2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>
> Judge #3 ? Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> Chili #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
>beans.
>
> Judge #2 ? A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge #3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
>of the beer.
>
>
>
> Chili #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
>
> Judge #1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge #2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge #3 ? I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. :mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2: is
>starting to look HOT? Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> Chili #5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
>
> Judge #1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge #2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge #3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
>I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
> Chili #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
>
> Judge #1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>
> Judge #2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge #3 ? I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
>anymore. I need to wipe my :mad2::mad2::mad2: with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> Chili #7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>peppers.
>
> Judge #2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
> Judge #3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
>match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> Chili #8 ( Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
>
> Judge #1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge #2 ? This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
>fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
>he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
>hot chili
>
>